Journey # 2

I fell pregnant just after Joshua turned 17 months.  I was so excited - I believed that my body had conquered this 'affliction' and that the combination of everything that we did had somehow cured me, and my body had learned how to do this reproduction thing properly.  After all, I have a perfect little boy to show for it.

So I got excited about it.  Knowing my body as I do, I found out I was pregnant at 3 weeks - before I'd even missed a period.  It took 3 weeks of injections and rigorous monitoring of my blood sugar, and eating right, and nurturing myself before I started to bleed.

I got really upset.  I was sad and frustrated and confused.  I also felt a little stupid - like I should have known better than to get my hopes up before I saw a heartbeat, but I don't want to miss out on any of the joy of being pregnant.   I wrote it off as a possible chromosomal defect, and perhaps this was one of those statistical 'odds' of having chromosomal issues.  Perhaps it wasn't just that I was still the same person with the same body.

I decided that I would wait it out and miscarry at home.  I didn't feel like facing the hospital or the cold steel table of failure.  Big mistake.  I was in pain.  I bled for about 2 weeks without seeing any clotting.  Eventually I miscarried, and the trauma of seeing what I imagined to be my child in the toilet still makes me want to cry as I type this.

I got sick straight afterwards (combination of stress, and Josh's creche germs) and between Mike (my husband), Josh and I, we kept sick for about 3 months and 4 rounds of antibiotics each.  Not bad for someone who doesn't usually take antibiotics if I can help it!

It does get better.  Just not always when you need it to.